Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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