If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
third nipple confirmed
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
