Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
