I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
