When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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