It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
