well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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