I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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