Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
