she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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