i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
