took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
