I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
