Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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