So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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