he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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