Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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