i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
