literally had 100 drinks last night.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
