I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
