He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
