Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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