i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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