ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize