Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
