wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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