Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
