there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
