Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
