The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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