You surviving the open bar?
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umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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