Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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