I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
