my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
