so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
