I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
