I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My cat gives me a boner
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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