Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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