Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
