i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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