gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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