You're my little dorito
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
