I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
