Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
