I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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