theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We're too hungover to prance.
I need to calm my uterus...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
