why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
