I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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