Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
