dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize