No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
