I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
