Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
