I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
