I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize