And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
