I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
How's work?
Spinning.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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