She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
